The short hiatus in blog posting has been due to moving house and not having internet! After sacrificing a virgin I now have working broadband and am back in action!
(What? That’s what they mean by Virgin Media right?! …oops!)
Ok, back to the latest musings from my trans mind.
1 year in: A new feeling of dysphoria
As you would expect, I introduce myself to everyone as Amber, but being transgender has its difficulties in that respect. All of my friends now know me as Amber, which is wonderful and I am extremely grateful for how fortunate I am to have such wonderful support.
There is, however, an interesting issue here. I have created ‘Amber’ and originally pictured her as the ideal woman that I imagine myself to be. That’s who ‘Amber’ is to me. So, on days when dysphoria hits quite strongly and perhaps I look in the mirror and truly don’t see what I want to see, I am now confronted with the paradox of stepping into Amber’s world, being Amber, but perhaps not feeling like this woman that I have created.
This life is wonderful and I have so many amazing people who love me, support me and accept me for exactly who I am. However the dysphoria I experience still comes in waves but has this different effect. It pulls me somewhat backwards and away from the life. Makes me feel fraudulent and fake.
But wait, that’s how I felt when I was living male at the start of transition isn’t it?! Yes. Yes it was.
So now I fight to look and feel right in my new life. It’s an internal battle which still goes on. I hope that it will get easier as time passes. I believe that it will and it is this belief that keeps me going. I push forward knowing that the time that passes is a in fact helping me, I progress and grow each day into a more feminine me. A more true Amber. Closer to the ideal woman that I have dreamed of.
I am living Amber’s life and sometimes, some days I am beginning to feel like her.