Being Trans – 1 Year In: A new feeling of dysphoria

Hello again!
The short hiatus in blog posting has been due to moving house and not having internet! After sacrificing a virgin I now have working broadband and am back in action!

(What? That’s what they mean by Virgin Media right?! …oops!)

Ok, back to the latest musings from my trans mind.

1 year in: A new feeling of dysphoria

As you would expect, I introduce myself to everyone as Amber, but being transgender has its difficulties in that respect. All of my friends now know me as Amber, which is wonderful and I am extremely grateful for how fortunate I am to have such wonderful support.

There is, however, an interesting issue here. I have created ‘Amber’ and originally pictured her as the ideal woman that I imagine myself to be. That’s who ‘Amber’ is to me. So, on days when dysphoria hits quite strongly and perhaps I look in the mirror and truly don’t see what I want to see, I am now confronted with the paradox of stepping into Amber’s world, being Amber, but perhaps not feeling like this woman that I have created.

This life is wonderful and I have so many amazing people who love me, support me and accept me for exactly who I am. However the dysphoria I experience still comes in waves but has this different effect. It pulls me somewhat backwards and away from the life. Makes me feel fraudulent and fake.

But wait, that’s how I felt when I was living male at the start of transition isn’t it?! Yes. Yes it was.

So now I fight to look and feel right in my new life. It’s an internal battle which still goes on. I hope that it will get easier as time passes. I believe that it will and it is this belief that keeps me going. I push forward knowing that the time that passes is a in fact helping me, I progress and grow each day into a more feminine me. A more true Amber. Closer to the ideal woman that I have dreamed of.

I am living Amber’s life and sometimes, some days I am beginning to feel like her.

Amber x

4 thoughts on “Being Trans – 1 Year In: A new feeling of dysphoria

  1. ashbangkok says:

    I really get what you mean. I’m only 4-months in to transition, using the name Ashley with friends and family and in process of changing passport, bank accounts etc., and it sometimes feels like I’m not fulfilling who I want Ashley to be. I’m realizing that my expectations and goals must be transient and evolve as I evolve myself. As no one can tell us we’re inadequate, we surely cannot tell ourselves that either. Be the best you you can be and you’ll be a wonderful, unique person that everyone wants to know. Most of all, be sure to love yourself and your endless potential. Hugs xx

    Like

  2. Nutriri* says:

    Hi Amber, I could say; well a truly welcome to womanhood, the whole damn shiteness of it with all the expectation to ‘look’ AND feel a certain way. It’s a societal/media brainwash thats been years in the making for you, me and everyone else who’s found themselves dissatisfied with any aspect of their body. But I won’t, because that sounds as though I’m saying we have to suck it up, and we don’t. I’ve observed and learnt improved body confidence. The one major difference that body confident people (women especially) do is NOT use negative judgement; about themselves or others. It’s a skill anyone can learn and practice, with just a little intention to do so. You can start to release your inner critic by seeking out and watching a docufilm called Embrace, there are screenings all over the southwest over the next 2 months (I’m hosting one in Lyme Regis on 9th March that you’re very welcome along to) Helen x

    Like

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