Transliving Journal – 23rd November 2016

Times they are a changing.

They certainly are. So many things are different now to how they were a few months ago (let alone a year ago!)

We can start with my hair. In December last year, just before starting my journey, I had pretty much no hair. About a grade two I would say.

My hair now is doing great! I’m on hormones of course so that could be helping, along with that I’m using Mane&Tail shampoo and conditioner. Supposed to help hair growth. Sounds like it’s for horses right?! Well that’s what it was made for originally, but they realised that it was perfectly suitable for people too. Although if I start saying ‘neigh’ and eating sugar cubes then maybe call the doctor… or the vet, whichever seems most appropriate!

Length now is good for every day wear so I don’t need to wear a wig to be comfortable and happy with how I look. Very much looking forward to another six months growth, I think then I’ll be able to have something like the style that I want.

 

Living, passing and interacting with the world.

Over the past few weeks of going full-time it has been great to see my own confidence grow. It perhaps sounds odd to observe myself in this manner but it does sometimes feel like I’m removed from my own experience. I step back and try to look from the outside to make sure I’m doing ok.

I am very happy going out and getting on with my day and am just me, Amber, another girl on the street (hang on, that doesn’t make me sound like a hooker does it?! Definitely not what I meant!).

Work have been great and I’m more comfortable there each day.

I went shopping with my mum the other day and an interesting thing happened. When I was paying for a new hoodie the guy at the till was particularly friendly and chatty. I said to my mum ‘he was very chatty’, to which she replied ‘that’s because he was chatting you up’.

Cue blushing! Eeek! What!? Really? That’s amazing, I don’t get chatted up, and as girl I’ve never been chatted up. That was a very fun first and a very confidence boosting one too. Thank you nameless Superdry employee, you made my day (well, actually the new shoes my mum bought me at Clarks were the highlight, but you’re a close second!).

 

I still feel down sometimes

Despite all the awesome things happening and the overall positive vibes I’m carrying at the moment, I do still get down and have bad days.

The other day I was in such a low mood that I was breaking into tears at RockFit during the first few tracks. It wasn’t until half way through the session that I finally got into a better mood.

The sadness and depression come from different things. One day I forgot to shave in the morning and was down the whole day because I felt like I looked awful. It can also be wearing clothes I’m not comfortable in. Perhaps I feel like I look masculine in what I’m wearing.

‘Triggers’ of the Gender Dysphoria are common and hurt but I do know how handle them a bit better now. Socialising with my friends and talking to people is the prescription for this and it works wonders.

Thanks to all my friends and of course family for always being there.

 

Amber x

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