Transliving Journal – 17th October 2016

Welcome back.

It has been almost 2 months since my last journal update and plenty has happened. Quick intro, I’ve got a job, but have gone back to work male; Laser is painful but working well; and I’m close to going full-time! Exciting! Grab a drink, sit down and read all about it.

 

Laser Hair Removal – The Latest

The pain continues! And like a moth to a lightbulb I keep going back for more. Thankfully though (unlike the moth’s unfortunate predicament) there is a very big positive outcome. My face is looking so much clearer and smoother than it was a few months ago. I have had two full passes of treatment over my whole face now and have started the third. The treatment hurts less now, but we have increased from three zaps of the laser on each area to five, so it’s a little more intense. However, this should be even more effective so it’s worth it.

For anyone at the start of their transition and considering laser treatment I can’t recommend it enough, I used to get terrible dysphoria in relation to my facial hair and I hardly experience that at all now. I do shave most mornings still, but if I didn’t I don’t think there would be much to see. The shaving is probably more for my own peace of mind at this point.

Something I have noticed that helps during a course of laser treatment is sleep. When I sleep better beforehand it seems to hurt less (not sure why). Then, when I sleep well in the week or so following, the recovery is quicker. I mean this in regards to folliculitis (kind of like little spots and redness from your follicles being disturbed) and also any swelling, both benefit greatly from getting a good few regular nights of sleep.

I’ve still got plenty more laser to do and I’m ready for it. Where’s that lightbulb? I’m coming back!

 

 

Back to work… male!?

Ok.
Ok.
This has been incredibly difficult. The following section was written today whilst I was on my lunch break at work.

“As I write this I’m sitting looking out at an office who have no idea that I am transgender. This has been my 9-5 world for about a month now. This is my hell.

Returning to work male was a decision that I made a couple of months ago when I started my job hunt. I do not regret it. The confidence in applying and avoidance of prejudice was favourable. The difficulties of experiencing a large amount of dysphoria through this period of time did not weigh my decision towards applying as female. However I would not recommend doing this for others in a similar position to myself.
At starting my new job in this office It was about 9 months since I realised I was trans and I had been taking hormones for 3 months.
Being ‘male’ 9-5, mon-fri has been incredibly difficult. It has taken a lot of strength to not see it as a step backwards in my transition.
From working freelance at the start of my transition and then going back to an office felt like going from swimming against a stream of society expectation to then trying to swim upstream against an Amazonian waterfall!
At home I could cry my heart out, curl into a ball and be a big gloomy mess if I needed to. Getting a break from a situation that might arise and cause me discomfort or dysphoric spells.
In an office it’s not the same. I must fight the tears from escaping my eyes (they have still crept out numerous times) and bottle my emotions inside until I am away from this place.
I feel like I’m being crushed under a giant hammer of gender norms, wielded and repeated pounded by the machine of social expectation, driven by learnt behaviour and misled education of the masses.
Each time my old male name is used to address me it is like a little piece of my soul is being sliced off and allowed to burst into flames. I watch in agony, unable to do a single thing about it for risk of exposing my true self too soon and without calculated risk.
My decision was to work for 1 month male and then come out as transgender and switch to female in the office. It did not seem like much, but this has been an incredibly difficult month. I am emotionally exhausted.”
Sorry, that was a bit dark! I was having a particularly bad day I’m afraid. Partially due to bring referred to as a ‘bloke’, which caught me off guard and made me realise how much I now hate that term in relation to me. I mean it’s obvious why I hate it, but it hurts more than other male references or being called sir, perhaps because being a ‘man’ or simply ‘male’ encapsulates all kinds of things, you could be a very effeminate man for example. Whereas a ‘bloke’ implies certain characteristics, non-female, very masculine characteristics… wonderful! Just what I needed on a full moon!
The job itself is going fine, I’m good at what I do and the people are lovely, it’s the situation and social norms that are driving me mad.

 

 

Excited about going full-time

This is brilliant! I actually have a fantastic plan for going full-time! I will soon be me, the real, female me all the time, everywhere and forever. This news is as exciting for me as it is for you. Every time I mention it I’m excited as if it’s the first time I’ve heard it!

My plan revolves around coming out at work, I have planned a meeting to talk to my bosses and a week(wish) after that I plan to change from male to female at work, with the right name and finally be comfortable with who I am in the office. I will be making this my turning point in life to going full-time too. I’m completely ready now.

How do I know that I’m ready?

Good question, I was wondering myself a few months ago how I would know. Well a few months ago I contemplated going full-time, changing all my details etc, but I was unsure. At that point it seemed scary and difficult, but at the same time I wanted it more than anything. I knew it had to feel completely right so I waited.

Waiting was the best decision ever! I have so much more confidence now than I did back then, even though it has only been a few months. Now, rather than seeming scary and difficult, going full-time is incredible, exciting and can’t come soon enough. I’m not scared, nervous or worried about it. I’m simply ready to get on with the rest of my life, and that’s how I know I’m ready to go full-time. If you’re transitioning and not feeling the same, the perhaps it’s right to wait, no harm in that and getting this build up of excitement towards going full-time is actually a wonderful thing to experience, I highly recommend it.

 

Halloween

For Halloween I’m dressing up as the awesome Harley Quinn, but the awesome black and red, Arkham Asylum version rather than the Suicide Squad version. I really like the SS version, but Harley for me is black and red, that’s just how I love her.

I’m really spoilt this Halloween as I have two parties to go to, one on the Friday with the RockFit girls and one on the Saturday with my trans family at the Batcave (highly appropriate for Harley Quinn). To those of you who will be with me on those nights it will be extra special for me as I will be celebrating going full-time, it’s going to be one hell of a weekend!

 

Despite the dark and gloomy middle I’m doing great, onwards into the light (forget the moth analogy here), I’m in good spirits and on the right track.

Until next time.
Amber x

 

9 thoughts on “Transliving Journal – 17th October 2016

  1. Jodi says:

    Congratulations on your plan! It is very exciting. I went full time just over a week ago, I was nervous, but turned out to be a very self affirming decision. Best if luck to you!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. trolleydollytg says:

    I commiserate with you on having to live as male Mon – Fri. But it is only a temporay thing. You have a wonderful plan. I wish you all the bes It’s goig to be a great life once you’ve started living full time xx

    Like

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