Transliving Journal – 25th August 2016

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, or even thought much about writing. The last month or so has been a bit of a hectic one and my head hasn’t been very settled for most of it. If I’m honest it’s still not.

 

High Stress Levels

I’ve been extremely stressed recently. The big contributor to this has been work. I took on a big design project a few weeks ago and as the deadline approached I was so stressed and worried about it that I actually had to pass it on to another designer. I don’t recall ever having to do this before and it’s certainly not something I’d like to do again.

I can’t quite put my finger on why I became so stressed. The project was perhaps too much for me to focus on at the moment with everything else I’m dealing with, my attention wasn’t fully on the task when it really needed to be. Then when I thought that this was the problem it made it even worse, I became stressed about being stressed because I knew how much I needed to not be stressed… blimey!

 

Fed Up With Freelancing

I left a permanent Web Design position in February and have been working freelance ever since. It was only in December that I began to question my gender identity and came out as transgender. Starting freelancing on it’s own is hard enough, let alone combining it with the early stages of transitioning. I mean, I didn’t really have a choice, I was made redundant, but it couldn’t have happened at a much worse time.

So, amid a fit of stress and frustration I applied for some permanent jobs in graphic/web design. Some in Plymouth and some in Bristol. At the start of the year I hated the idea of going back to an office, but now I’d love to have both the routine and stable income back. It will be better socially and mentally for me.

Now, being still early in my transition, I have actually applied under my old, male identity. This does not phase me, I feel perfectly comfortable doing this and kind of more comfortable in a way as I’m in ‘known-territory’ so to speak. I have had many interviews for design jobs in the past and know I can do well in them. In my opinion this confidence is a key part of doing well in an interview and can often be hard to come by.

I would love to apply and interview in my female identity, but I would certainly lose the confidence and self-belief. Whether or not there would be an disadvantage due to the prejudice of others is not a factor. My decision is based on my own emotions and feelings towards how I am presenting, as opposed to how others feel towards it.

 

How’s the Transition Going Amber?

Not bad thanks! I’ve not really mentioned much about it yet have I?
Everything is going quite smoothly really, my hormones have settled down and I don’t have quite as frequent mood swings as I did in the first month. Although I do seem to cry a lot more, sometime at the strangest of things. Like the other day when I cried at the end of Men In Black 3… yep, no joke, MIB3 made me cry. It’s sad! *wipes tear from cheek*

Breast growth is awesome, I’ve noticed quite a lot of development which is really exciting. I will have to write another HRT update at some point and go into more detail of changes I’ve noticed.

Hair is growing well, although one bit of advice to trans girls, beware of haircuts! I felt bad about my hair for about 5 days after getting it cut simply because it felt like I’d gone backwards. OF COURSE IT DID! Silly girl. But I wasn’t going to walk around with a haystack on my head any longer, it needed styling. Just beware of feeling dysphoria creeping in when you have a trim. I just want really long hair, so to have it cut, even a little bit, felt awful. A big thank you to my mum though, she warned me of that. Your warning softened the blow, thank you.

 

All in All

I’m in flux in life, not quite knowing what’s coming next. But who ever really does?
I could end up in Bristol, I have a lot of friends there. Or I could stay in Plymouth. Who knows! Once I find a permanent job I’m hoping life will settle back into a better rhythm. Fingers crossed!

 

Amber x

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