Before creating this blog I was hand-writing some journal pieces. The following is an entry from the start of May, I wrote it after my first time out around town shopping in girl-mode.
Today was a big day.
I had planned to write more, document the change in feelings and emotions. I didn’t, but not to worry. The past few months have been a roller coaster. I’ve been taking herbal supplements which are said to do the same as HRT. The supplements have definitely worked. I’ve cried a lot, had mood swings, craved sugar, lost some muscle mass and definition and even has some breast growth, well the early stages anyway.
I’ve been out of the house in ‘girl-mode’ a total of 6 times. The Batcave weekends down in Cambourne, Cornwall have been wonderful, they have brought me out of my shell and helped me to accept myself for who I am and who I want to be. I’ve met so many lovely people in the last couple of months, life as Amber is quickly becoming a rather wonderful existence, and one where I am being true to myself.
Today, however, was quite special. My previous ventures out in ‘girl-mode’ were with the company of just those in the transgender community. Today I went out with my two wonderful new friends Erin and Alana into Plymouth, shopping amongst the hundreds of the general public (‘the vanilla’ as they are often called). I was terrified!
‘What if I can’t do this?’
‘What if it’s too soon?’
‘What happens if someone makes fun of me?’
All of this and much more running through my head as I sat in the car. I’d driven the three of us to the shopping centre and had to stop for a few seconds to catch my breath, slow my racing heart and gather myself. I stood up and headed in with my girls, scared but excited.
Once the nerves faded it was brilliant, hardly anyone gave us a second glance and being able to shop in ‘girl-mode’ was so good, it felt so right. Thank you Erin and Alana, I couldn’t have done it without you.
So that was a big landmark today and with it comes a big thought. I have noticed that I now lead a completely double life. Male and female.
The time has come to for these two lives to merge, if they stay separate any longer then they will be too far apart to easily bring together. I feel that bringing my male life in-line with my female life will help both grow together, and male transitioning to female (fully in time). What that means is telling more of my friends and starting to introduce them to Amber. I’m not going full-time, I don’t feel it’s time yet, but I’m scared of losing touch with my old friends and I think I need to catch them up with where my life is at the moment.
I think what’s most scary now is that all my life I have not really fitted in, or felt like I did, so have constantly sought acceptance among friends. When I attained acceptance I always tried really hard to keep it. Coming out as transgender will inevitably bring on the circumstance of not being accepted by some. So it feels unnatural, against my instincts.
Despite this unnatural feeling, this is a necessary step as I am exhausted from leading this double life. I am hoping that the support of my friends (the old ones outside of the trans community) will give me a boost and help me grow even more confident in time.
(p.s. I bought amazing new shoes!)